How Do You Find The Right One?

Is he the right one?
Is she the right one?

How often have you asked yourself that question?

For many of us, it is a question we asked far too often. It is a question that has been lingering in the minds of youths and adults alike perhaps since the beginning of mankind. I am making a big assumption here, but I assume it has been on your mind too? It is precisely because I had you in my mind that I began writing about this.

In the old days, adults used to help their young children to answer that question. They provided their answers for their youngs. Instead of letting their beloved offspring take the risky and dangerous journey into the unknown world to find the best partner for themselves, the parents took it on their behalf instead. They carefully select from the many available and competing candidates and eventually settled on the best one. Although many will perhaps point out that this candidate selection scheme seems more suitable for man, would you not agree that this process is as much an ordeal for man as it is for woman?

These adults have the best intention and also possess well meaning motives. What they fail to realise however, was that if they made careless moves, their best intention might turn out to be the worst decision for their child. Allow me to illustrate: How often have you observed parents telling their child to pursue a different dream? Some of them even go as far as telling the child it is impossible to achieve. Usually they have many ways of justifying their decisions: it is too difficult, it is unachievable, it is unrealistic, there are better options. Depending on the children’s response, however, they may walk the paths their parents have predetermined for them, or they will choose to pursue their dreams. I believe that the latter response will, regardless of the outcome, allow them to live a life with a fulfilling sense of satisfaction.

These days, both genders want to find their life partner on their own. However, not everyone knows how and where to look. Truthfully, I am baffled by the aspect that although a lot of people put great stress on the need for good education system and finding good schools, they never seem to see any need to be ‘schooled’ or to ‘educated’ on finding their life partner. The initiative should start with the parents. The blame is not to be laid entirely on them though. No one has attempted to do so for generations. Having seen enough share of heartbreaks in both unmarried and married couples alike, I am compelled to believe that this is one of the must have components of the ‘school of life’. That is the reason I wrote this post. I hope it can be a fitting start to series of posts on this issue. What should be the first steps in the search for the one?

1. Know yourself better

Know yourself to improve yourself.

Auguste Comte

I am always convinced that the start of any of life’s personal undertakings always have to begin by looking first into the inside. You have to first know yourself in order to know who will be the right fit for you. It is correct for people to say that “Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get to do it once.” For me, it is almost like knowing your body size when shopping for a clothing. You do not go into a boutique not knowing what your size is. You need to know your body size to be able to pick the right suit for you. The search for a life partner may be even more specific than that. Perhaps it is like going into a tailor to get all your measurements in order for the tailor to create the right suit with the right size for you.

2. Plan ahead.

“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
John Maxwell

A lot of people, male and female alike, put great emphasis on finding those who fit into their criteria of an ideal partner. That is fine, and in fact is a practice I would encourage. As with everything in life however, a balance should be observed. Under-emphasis your own criteria will create disappointments and a lot of heartaches in the future. You do not want to just pick anyone who is available, do you? Over-emphasis your criteria and you may find it nearly impossible to even find one that fits everything into your criteria. I will not go into the details of how many criterias you should predetermine for yourself because it is a matter of personal preference.

Here’s my take on how to approach those criterias you have made for yourself though. No matter what criterias you pick, you need to see whether he or she will fit right in with you. I will explain using the shopping illustration earlier. If you wish to buy a dress of a certain size in a boutique, wouldn’t you try to commit yourself into working out until you are able to fit into that dress? The easier alternative is of course to just get a different size, yet you will have to work hard at making sure you do not “outgrow” that dress.

3. Focus on personal growth.

“You don’t need to change the world; you need to change yourself.”
― Miguel Ruiz

The most important question you will ever need to ask in finding the right one is “Am I the right one?” Much pressure was put into finding the right one yet one forgets about being the right one. Of course, you do not go around asking people whether you are the right one for him or her. You could however, ask it in the slightly less confronting way. Conversations about such topics are almost always a hot topic that none will object to talks about it. Through such conversations, you should observe that there will be several important qualities which you can work on improving and growing. You should be careful in selecting who to ask though. Remember that “blind people can not lead blind people”. You will need to ask from experienced and mature person. Having said that, there may be times when you are unsure of who to ask. I believe though, by listening carefully for the intrinsic qualities that members of your opposite sex discuss should reveal a lot of information you can not find in textbooks.

4. Find a mentor / coach.

Mentoring is a brain to pick, an ear to listen, and a push in the right direction.

John C. Crosby

I am a strong believer in the need for a mentor and a coach to achieve something in life. Especially when it is something related to what I call a life knowledge. It is something you don’t  usually find in textbooks. It requires someone with experience. It requires guidance. And it requires accountability. A coach and a mentor is not there to help you seek knowledge because knowledge is usually what you have gained from schooling. They are there to help you gain wisdom. Wisdom is, gained from a practical application of the knowledge you already have. I am lucky to have many mentors who are always too happy to provide me the much-needed guidance and the courage to reprimand me for my mistakes. Seek for such mentors to guide you into the right path, as well as stopping you from going the wrong way. This is especially true as you contemplate on the person to whom you have interest in.

I hope what I have shared above could be a suitable starting point for anyone attempting to find themselves their “Mr. Right” or “Mrs. Right”.

Discussion Questions: What useful principles have you followed in your past or current attempt at finding the right life-companion? Do you have your own advice? Please share them in the comments.


Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.